everything is always so confusing and difficult. nothing is ever presented in an easy to understand format, a manual you could look at and realise what you have to do to make your life run smoothly. but there's always something, no matter what problems you solve and difficultes you over come there's always something. always fucking something. i figured that i could just relax and i could, it would be so easy if only i would let myself. but i'm so obbssesed with making everything perfect, making myself perfect that i just can't relax and enjoy myself. it's like i'm perminately waiting to be happy, working towards something, some point in the future where everything will come tgether, my happy ending i guess.

i was watching ally mcbeal and something she said really struck me, that she's happiest when she's miserable becaus ethat means it can only get better. in other words she can relax, there's nothing to worry about becase she survived the worst so the best is still to come. or something like that. ally mcbeal also said that she likes being unhappy and unbalanced, she likes looking forward to a possible future happiness, she desn't want it now because that would be boring, if you already have everything what is there to look forward to?

maybe that's just how i am, i'm always happiest when i have something to look forward to, some point in the future: my birthday, starting uni, moving flats, new jobs, new horizons, new life. that's what id always dream of,a brand new life and a new me. i think i've watched too many films, i want m life to be like that, without all the confusing noise in my head, all the complications that i never know how to deal with and always sem to take me by surprise and fill me with dread. i don't even know what i really want. ah fuck it, no point in getting bogged down by all this shit, i can live my life however i want, even if i never really live it and just look forward...

suggested tags: enjoy life, moving forward, life love and the ursuit of happiness, my boring life

this goddam computer is infected with a virus and it's really doing my head in. i think i'm getting it but it's taking a while, it's everywhere!! at least it's not a really bad one, it just brings pop ups up a lot and it's a bit slow.

a little bit off the subject now, i think i still  love iain. i mean, of course i do but not only in the friends way, i love him as my bet friend but i also still love the thought of being with him forever. he's with becca now though, i really don't want to fuck with his head though, or mine. what if i'm just a little horny or something, it has ben a while. what if i'm just a bit lonely and thats why i miss him so much. i miss him so much that it hurts. i just want him to hug me (and a little more obviously, like i said it's been a while). theres still so much sexual chemistry between us, when he came up last sunday we almost... i think he would have if i hadn't stopped him, just the way he would have with becca if she hadn't stopped him. guess we have more in common than i thought. nothing happened and i'm glad, i don't want him to be a bastard. i can still imagine us getting together when we're older and getting married, living happily ever after and all that. have i made a really big mistake? should i still be mad at him, everyone else seems to think so but they don't know everything that went on, only me and him, and presumably becca do. i wonder if it's going to work out between them? i'm not going to do anything now anyway, i'll wait, have some fun of my own for a while. enjoy being friends with iain without having to worry about any of the other stuff. if it's meant to be then it'll be, if it's not then it's not. simple as that.